Ego management, 2024 edition
Hard to believe it’s going on eight years since I published Life Without Envy! I made a couple LWE-themed videos as part of my “office hours” series—Ego management 2021 update and Ego management update: 2006 v. 2021—but since I’m on a long-term break from YouTube/Instagram, I’m posting a 2024 edition here instead.
I don’t need to “show them.”
As an aspiring novelist, one of the variations on the “making it” fantasy was that everyone who had ever expressed any doubt, disdain, or disinterest—professors, classmates, former friends and boyfriends—would spot my hardcover on the new releases table at their favorite bookstore and feel a complicated mixture of admiration and regret. To be fair to my (ahem, very self absorbed and rather arrogant) younger self, these sorts of daydreams aren’t only a manifestation of the ego—they are very useful as fuel for our earliest efforts. And over time, of course, we find healthy real-life ways of satisfying our hunger for validation.
A year or two ago now, snuggled up reading before bedtime, it occurred to me that I couldn’t care less if Professor Sullivan had ever noticed my book at Barnes & Noble, or if this or that ex had spotted the trailer for Bones and All—that I hadn’t cared for a very long time now. What did it matter if So-and-So or What’s-His-Name never thought of me again, given that we were long since mutually irrelevant? And I took brief, quiet, but genuine pleasure in that.
I’ve unhitched professional recognition from overall life contentment.
Speaking of my career prospects with friends circa 2021, I’d say, “This film could be a catapult or it could be the pinnacle, and I’ll be happy either way.” Sometimes my friends reacted with surprise, “of course it’s going to be a catapult!” and so on. And sure, I still occasionally daydream about finding my (as yet unfinished) time-travel novel with a staff-pick shelf-talker in an indie bookshop, and seeing it eventually adapted for television. But what fuels me now is a desire to do my very best work, to write fiction that is thematically and emotionally resonant and nonfiction that is helpful and heartening. [Is my blog helpful and heartening?? I really hope you find it so!] That’s always been the desire, but it feels much more concentrated now.
I do not want to be a “public figure.”
Far and away the most enjoyable parts of the Venice Film Festival in August 2022 were the quiet moments of connection—walking with Screenwriter Dave down the narrow stone passageways off the Piazza San Marco chatting about our respective future projects, and meeting up with Francesca for tea at the hotel the morning after the premiere. I saw and was seen in a way that felt authentic.
My brief vantage point at an epicenter of celebrity culture made me uneasy. To be frank about it, I think a lot of folks channel much too much of their own generative energy into adoration of famous creatives. Admire their talent, hard work, and dedication, sure. Then let their work inspire you to fall in love with your potential, to revel in your own creative power. That’s the only way parasocial relationships can be good for us.
As I said to my partner: “I just want to live a rich private life.” Which, of course, I have been doing all along.
All-vegan night at our favorite restaurant!
Expectations are (primarily) self imposed.
It’s taking me years to finish this new novel, and I have to remind myself every other day that it is ABSOLUTELY FINE that I’m still figuring out how to write it. In the publishing industry there is a poop-ton of toxic messaging around how, and how long, we all “should” be working, and how frequently we “should” be producing new work, and knowing it’s toxic doesn’t inoculate you. (Would that it did!) Last year I asked my agent for a Zoom catchup, just to tell her I’m still at it and that everything’s okay mental-healthwise. “You’re the one who talked about there being a ‘window of opportunity’ with the movie coming out,” she said. “I’m not over here tapping my foot. You take as long as you need.”
Truth be told, there is a little bit of ego tied up in these self-imposed expectations—a desire to remain culturally relevant, perhaps?
Yup. That feels at least 60% accurate. 😬
I’ve learned JUST! SO! MUCH! in these last eight years that I really hope I’ll get the opportunity to do a revised-and-expanded edition of Life Without Envy someday. Did any of these resonate with you? Do please leave a comment!
